An Open Letter...

An Open Letter to Tim Tebow…

Ian reviews ghost hunting programs…

Ian Douglas Terry Reviews Ghost Hunting Programs:

If you follow me on Twitter (@iandouglasterry), or talk to me when I’m drunk, it is no secret that I am fascinated with ghost hunting.  Give me night vision footage of people stumbling around in the dark yelling about noises and I’m entertained for hours.  First thing’s first, I do not believe in ghosts (or aliens, monsters, true love, politics, etc…).  Thinking that when people die their spirits stick around to spook teenagers at night is a completely ridiculous notion that has to do with human beings wanting to be scared more than any kind of scientific principle.  We want to be scared for an adrenaline rush.   We are also hoping that death is not final and that we can somehow exist outside of our bodies….even if we’re just scary Civil War generals roaming around a field.  Disregarding the fact that I don’t think ghosts exist…I want to be proven wrong.  I think this is the fundamental problem with most people and their beliefs, being that they stick to them 100% no matter what the world shows them.  I’m always open to change my mind if someone can actually prove anything with real physical evidence (I hate bands until pretty girls convince me that they aren’t terrible), it just so happens no one has done it yet.  If Jesus Christ himself showed up and slam dunked a basketball in front of me, I’d gladly convert.  Same thing goes with ghosts.  Here are my thoughts on a sampling of the ghost hunting programs found on Netflix Instant (my savior).

Ghost Hunters Franchise (Ghost Hunters, Ghost Hunters International, etc..)

I’m fairly certain that this was the genesis of the ghost hunting craze, or at least the first show that I can remember….maybe some buttholes had a PBS show that I wasn’t aware of, but to me this was the first one.  The original Ghost Hunters were two plumbers, and the idea behind the show was that they are plumbers by day and ghost hunters by night.  No offense to plumbers, but how is that supposed to convince me that I’m getting reliable information?  If I was looking for evidence of monsters made out of human shit existing, I might trust these dudes on it.  Why can’t these programs have actual scientists who know what the fuck they’re talking about?  All of the “sidekick” members of these shows talk and act like complete morons…which doesn’t help their case.  If you can’t form a sentence, how am I going to think you can form a hypothesis involving science and spirituality?  They make the Ghost Adventures bros sound like geniuses at most points (I’ll get to the bros soon enough).  Plus the main hosts are two of the least charismatic and interested people in the world. At least act excited you dorks…you’re probably making decent money walking around people’s basements at this point…plus you’re making bank cleaning pipes during the day. 

There was a specific episode that I saved because they had a “scientific” instrument that was a box with a light on it.  If the light “lit up”, that meant there was a paranormal activity happening.  They put the box on top of a TV in the dark and sat and waited.  THEN IT LIT UP!  Holy cow, ghosts are real.  Stick to cleaning up poop you blue collar boners.  (The International version is even worse, a bunch of trashy dum-dums traveling to cool places in Europe and just acting like idiots….like the Jersey Shore but not as interesting)

Paranormal State

The idea behind this show is a group of Penn State college students investigating claims of the paranormal.  I like 75% of this show.  They have a great host who always looks thoughtful and profound, they actually investigate places over multiple nights (you can’t learn anything about a place by just being there for one night), they seem to actually care and put in an honest effort to research the cases, and they usually have a few pretty girls thrown in so I’m not just staring at ugly dudes (minus the scary butch psychic that shows up in later seasons).  Where this show completely loses my interest and bums me out every episode is that they tie everything to the occult…lots of demons, possession, and priests.  If you want me to believe in the paranormal, it has to exist on its own and not tethered to another thing that is hard to believe in.  No offense to any religions, believe what you will, but if ghosts were real they would exist within all religions and belief systems…as do other natural occurrences.   I’ve already seen how irrational and silly religious fanatics (again, normal people with normal beliefs that they hold to themselves are great) can be, and the crazy things they hold as complete truths…so adding the devil wanting your soul to the already questionable idea of a haunting just makes me tune out.  They also rely heavily on psychics…which is another whole spectrum of magic that I’m not sold on at all.  People are just really good at guessing sometimes, or they already researched everything…no mystery involved.  They did have an episode that had a random sex dungeon in a dude’s basement…that was awesome.

The Haunted

This is a paranormal program with no “hosts”…so you can at least be assured that it’s not someone trying to get famous by yelling “WHAT WAS THAT” every five minutes…but it is shown on Animal Planet.  Yes, Animal Planet.  Why would there be a ghost show on a channel that only deals with animals?  Well, because there are animal ghosts in the world!  That and they present a lot of just normal stories about haunting and tack on something about a dog or cat being freaked out.  (sidenote: This show should be called Ghost Tails, they really missed out) Two specific episodes stand out to me, and make this show totally lame.

The first is an episode involving a woman’s candle shop being haunted by malevolent spirits that turn out to be monkeys (SPOILER ALERT!).  Did she live in an area where monkeys are casually running around?  No.  Was she burning monkeys at night in satanic rituals with her Yankee candles?  No.  Well then how did these monkey ghosts get upset enough to become vengeful spirits?  Turns out the old owner from the spooky past used to perform experiments on monkeys.  Sure, totally plausible for old timey New England.  That would make sense that these monkey ghosts would be messing with the candle lady, because they demand monkey justice for the past crimes.  This does mean that monkeys would have to have souls… thus they would also be closely related to humans…like possibly be ancestors through some sort of evolutional chain of events.  That just sounds insane though, magic vengeful monkey ghosts just seems more plausible.

The second episode was about a mom and her daughters who owned three dogs, and the dogs would “protect” them at night from “shadow men” (racist).  The dogs would wake up in the middle of the night and bark at nothing (because that never ever happens) and they claimed that the dogs could “see things that we couldn’t see”…  You know one thing that dogs can’t see?  Colors.  How am I supposed to believe that a black and white spectrum of vision is capable of detecting otherworldy spirits…but not the color red?  If anything dogs would be able to smell ghosts…makes way more sense because they have super advanced senses of smell.  Dogs bark at nothing sometimes because dogs are stupid and have no idea what 98% of the world is.  Case closed!

Ghost Lab

I barely gave this show a chance.  They have a “scientific” approach…which means extra cameras and some other BS.  I just don’t trust fat people.  How can someone with no self-control tell me that there is spiritual power in the universe?  Change the show to Cheeseburger Lab…then I’ll watch it. 

Ghost Adventures

If you like shitty reality tv shows (Jersey Shore, Real World, whatever VH1 shows now, politics), you will LOVE Ghost Adventures…or as I call it, Ghost Bros.  Ever wondered what would happen if some shitty bro dudes decided to quit their jobs as wedding DJ’s and search for paranormal spirits?  This is it!  The host is the epitome of Douche…I love him so much.  He attempts to sound intelligent, deep, an spiritual…and winds up just sounding like an 8^th grader.  It is MAGNIFICENT!  They take the theory that “provoking” spirits is a way to make them appear…because ghosts would just hang out and wait for someone to “talk shit”.  There is an episode where the main guy (Zak…HAHAHAHA) goes into an attic where a woman had hung herself with a noose around his neck demanding she appear.  He also yells “I’m not afraid of you!” a lot.  They also always get EVP evidence, which is ghost voices that only digital recorders can pick up, that all sound like the same scary whisper…no matter where they are….so how is that evidence?  Do ghosts all have the same scary whisper?  This show also has some crazy innovations that try to claim they’re “scientific”…one is a Speak-N-Spell that ghosts talk through…utterly hilarious.

  The penultimate event is in a latter season when one of the tech guys claims that dark spirits followed him home from one of their adventures and ruined his marriage.  YES…RUINED HIS MARRIAGE.  Why the fuck would a person’s dead spirit give a shit about your marriage?  Blame it on the fact that you hunt ghosts for a living, you butthole.  They also try to tie things to Jesus vs. The Devil and have priests show up to cleanse places…but at that point it is just sheer absurdity.  This show is a must watch, just trust me.  

Destination Truth

This is one of the best television shows EVER.  Yeah, it is about ghost and monster hunting…but they go to places like Africa and Antarctica rather than a spooky old hospital in Kentucky.  The host and the crew are all intelligent adventurer types, who approach everything as skeptics (rather than all of the other shows that are investigating a thing they already believe to be true…thus negating the entire idea).  Most of the episodes are about the journey to get to the location…which is just a treat to watch.  I want to get paid to travel around the world just to video tape some shadows.  They’ve actually come up with some pretty awesome evidence….they found a Yeti footprint in the Himalayas…and got the creepiest EVP in a Japanese cremation chamber.  The great thing about Josh and the gang is that they go out of their way to debunk their own findings, instead of just freaking out about it.  If any of these shows could convince me that there is something paranormal happening…it is this one.  Watch every single episode of this show and love every minute.  THEY GO TO ANTARCTICA TO HUNT GHOSTS….ANTARCTICA.  Sheer beautiful madness. 

In summation: If ghosts were real they would be everywhere and they would be naked.  Billions and billions of people have died throughout the history of the world so if spirits were real you’d see them everywhere at any time, not just in spooky dark places when your mind and imagination are running wild….plus clothing doesn’t have a soul, so there would be all kinds of sexy ghost nudity.  It is fun to be scared, but blaming your problems on ghosts/demons is just silly.  Party on.

Ian Douglas Terry

An Open Letter To My Smart Phone…

By Ian Douglas Terry

(The most meaningful breakup letter I will ever write in my entire life, guaranteed)

Dear Android HTC Hero manufactured for the Sprint network,

Within the last year or so of owning you, you have become my everything.  You are what ties me to the world around me, and the conduit through which I am able to maintain my anemic social life.  I spend hours staring at your little screen…checking emails, checking facebook, checking twitter, checking Fantasy Football, checking the weather, etc…  What would I ever do without you (look outside…yeah right)?  To be honest, you aren’t my first Android HTC Hero…I dropped the first one in the bath tub  a few months ago because for some reason the thought of going thirty minutes without staring at you seemed absurd.  Luckily you are an older model, so you were easily replaced via E-bay for a cheap price….not to say that you’re cheap by any means.  I pay eighty dollars a month to be able to use you and all of your magnificent and “necessary” options.  That is almost one thousand dollars a year!  That is not cheap, my sweet sweet phone.  I don’t think I’ve ever spent one thousand dollars on anyone I ever loved in one year, last year I forgot to get my parents Christmas presents because I am that big of an a-hole.  I hesitate to call you a phone sometimes, because to be honest…you suck at being a phone.  For some reason, the majority of the time that my dad or Mike Perry calls, you refuse to ring or even register the phone call.  Are you jealous of the relationships I share with my father and super comedian Mike Perry?  Do you fear the secrets they could reveal to me?  …or did the people who made you care more about consumers looking at shittier versions of websites rather than be able to call loved ones efficiently (much love to Mike Perry, we did it boo!)?  Life mysteries!

To be honest, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.  I’ve noticed that I’ve become obsessive and compulsive when it comes to checking you.  I’ve become a spooky obsessive boyfriend like Marky Mark in the movie Fear (with much less rollercoaster based fingerbanging).  I’ll check my email and Facebook/Twitter every fifteen minutes (maximum).  If I was more popular (a woman) or more famous (a sexy woman) this would make sense, because I would be receiving a multitude of important (horny) messages.  Alas, I check you for no good reason because there is nothing to be beheld (I get one phone call about every week and a handful of texts…not being a sad shit, just pointing this out for the record).  Why do I do this?  I check my phone before I go to bed, and the first thing I do when I wake up is the same routine.  When I’m out with my friends I find myself constantly checking my phone the second I’m bored (to be fair, my friends are pretty boring…talking about their kids/wives/careers/lives)…and if I happen to look around I see a sea of people doing the same thing.  Social interaction has become a sad ritual of people getting together and texting other people that they’re missing out on sitting around texting at a bar.  If the only way you can feel like what you are doing is important is posting about it on the internet in an attempt to make others jealous (they aren’t) or to prove that you’re an interesting person…re-evaluate your life priorities and chill out.  Go to the bar or school and see people playing Words With Friends while ignoring the friends sitting right in front of them (plus you all still spell like dummies, so that silly game isn’t teaching you anything).  We are all becoming compulsively addicted solipsists.  (look that shit up Henry Rollins)   I find myself checking my phone while I’m driving after I just checked it while not driving…or in other scenarios that are just stupid.  (ie. the bath tub incident mentioned above)  That makes no sense!  I recently read a study that found people receive positive brain stimulation every time they get a new email or receive a notification on social networking sites.  That makes total sense!  I’m addicted to you because you prove to me that I exist and that people think I am important! (I wouldn’t be a comedian unless I desperately sought these things) I constantly check you during the day because I feel lonely and insignificant, and the only way I’ll feel alive (for a few minutes at least) is if someone “likes” a stupid thing I said on the internet (I’ve discovered that girls will like anything I say about fattening foods or napping.  Women love fat slobs).  If I just had a regular phone that barely ever rang, I would be missing out on so much time wasting insecurity!  What have I become? (Answer: the status quo for everyone under the age of 35)

So now the company I’ve had my phone service with for the past decade is offering the Iphone…the supposed “greatest phone ever made”.  Let’s be fair and say it is “the greatest way to ignore your friends ever made” or “the greatest way to pretend you’re busy when you’re not ever made” or “the greatest digital camera for lazy photographers ever made”.  I won’t go on my traditional anti-Apple diatribe…because honestly, who gives a shit?  If you choose to worship a corporation or device rather than a God, that is your business.  Other people worship giant cloud based humans, sports teams, or political parties…you worship a piece of plastic that is giving you cancer (amongst other things).  Good for you…the billions of dollars that company didn’t give to a single charity salutes you.  Anyways, I was tempted to get an Iphone…something I dislike…and why?  Because it is the best at what it does…and why wouldn’t I want what everyone and a clever corporate campaign tells me is the best?  I can surf the web twice as fast as before!  I can video chat with people rather than speak to them in person!  I can play Angry Birds (the video game equivalent of teeball)!  It is faster and sexier than you, my former smart phone…or should I say dumb phone (note: use this at an open mic, it will kill!)?  My main life problem right now is that I can’t distract myself and reward my self-esteem fast enough!  I need the best because I am a goddamn American!  I want what everyone else has because actually understanding technology and making a decision based on my actual needs is hard work!  I’ll spend all of my money to fit in and feel superior to poor people.  

So my options are the following.  1.  Keep the phone I have, though I’m compelled to want newer, faster, and better things.  2. Upgrade to a newer Android phone because I dislike the business practices and overall “hype” Apple products receive from dorks and girls.  3. Get an Iphone, feel like I’m part of a boring tribe, video chat with babes.  4. Go back to a flip phone without the internet and use the internet I’m already paying for on my computer like a fucking sensible fucking adult fucking would. 

Why am I paying for internet on a tiny device that is slower and clunkier than the beast of a computer I have at home?  Is it really that important to keep myself constantly inundated with data?  I’m not traveling around or doing anything important to the world, I’m just getting more drunk and more mad at the world.  Do I really need to be able to text while surfing the web?  Do I really need to put all of my happiness inside something that kills my semen when I keep it in my pocket (thanks for that, btw)  It makes total sense to divorce myself from the dumbing down of my generation due to “smart” phone technology.  …but, I wouldn’t be able to listen to podcasts, so screw it…you win evil empire.  Regardless of what I actually decide…I’m through with you old phone.  You’ll go into the shoe box in my closet with the drowned Android and a Samsung Instinct that was amazing and became so shitty in like a year (along with love letters women used to write me…think winky face texts but with an attempt to appear more intelligent than horny), and I’ll move on to something new.  

Life is all about this process of upgrading, everybody…apply it to human beings and you won’t be such cry babies.  

Love,

Ian Douglas Terry

My Daily “Daily Affirmations”…

I read this last Friday 9/2 when I opened for Tig Notaro, people tolerated it.

(To be read in the morning after waking up before your morning bath, not during!)

Ian,

Today is the day!  It’s time to harness some forward momentum and make some positive life changes.  Like the movie Click starring Adam Sandler…the part where he realizes that dying from being fat is scary and awful and he quits being a dick to his hot wife and sexy kids…not the other stuff.  Try to avoid thinking about how you cried in front of your friends the first time you watched the movie Click, you will just spend the rest of your day thinking about the consequences of owning a magical remote control, rather than making positive forward progress.

Today is the day that you start all of the personal and professional projects you have been putting off.  No more time wasting!  Remember that documentary you watched on Netflix about an all natural juice diet (That fat man became so much less fat!)…you are starting that diet today!  Or the other documentary about cutting processed foods out of your diet to cure your diseases and become a better human being?  You are starting that today as well (at this point you resemble a sad pregnant teenager, but without all of the glamour).  What about the documentary you watched about ethnic genocide in Africa?  You should probably not do that today, that was terrible and sad…but keep that in your mind so you acoid any genocides while making juice and eating food from Trader Joe’s (sidenote: double check to make sure Trader Joe was not involved in any African genocides)

All of those barely started screen plays, sketches, and dragon sex novels?  Today is the day you finally make an honest effort to become a “real” writer and finish ALL OF THEM!  Your best chance at getting super rich is the pitch for the movie you came up with called “Jesus! Hockey?”  Tagline: Jesus Doesn’t Save…He Scores”  Everyone wants to see a movie about Jesus returning to Earth from space to play hockey.  Think The Mighty Ducks meets Encino Man meets that Bible movie (see if we can’t get Sandler to play Jesus…he would be PERFECT!).  The sketch you wrote about “The Negro League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” (MLK, Reggie Jackson, Eli Whitney, Malcolm X, and Tyrese)?  You might need to re-think that one.  Maybe just Tyrese…if all else fails just stick with what you know and love.  Dragon sex based sci-fi fantasy.  Today is the day your dreams come true!

Get in front of the bathroom mirror and read the following out loud to yourself in a non-hysterical voice (for once):

- I will be healthy and happy.

- I will not eat in the bath tub while taking a bath, or if I do I will not tell anyone about it (even if it makes total sense).

- I am sailing on the river of wealth (probably the river from that Billy Joel song).

- I will do laundry today because at this point everything in my closet is covered in semen, and that is supposedly gross.

- I will be calm and relaxed in every situation.

- I will avoid the burnt sienna and taupe colored teenagers that hang out near my apartment because their judgement gazes bring down my victory thoughts.

- I am surrounded by love.

- I am also surrounded by bugs.  Yuck.

- I am living in the house of my dreams.

- I will stop taking my frustrations out on dogs and children by calling them “total asshole failure dickheads” when I see them in public.

- I will be successful in whatever I do.

- I will stop telling people about my 9/11 conspiracy theory that places the blame on former Minnesota Twins outfielder Kirby Puckett…Kirby Puckett is dead so it’s kind of a dickhead thing to say (Plus it might put holes in my theory).

- I will practice both the male and female parts in Meat Loaf’s “Paradise By The Dashboard Lights”.  You never know when you’ll be asked to perform either…especially in corporate job interviews.

- Everything is getting better every day (except most things).

After reading these out loud, make sure you don’t have any shit in your teeth, drink one quick rum and Gatorade in the tub…and go out and make today the best today ever.

Love,

Ian Douglas Terry

(find out if they’re making a sequel to Click…if they aren’t, write it)

An Open Letter To Chick-Fil-A…

By: Ian Douglas Terry

Dear Chick-Fil-A,

My name is Ian Douglas Terry and I live in Omaha, Nebraska…a city in which you are soon going to be opening a brand new Chick-Fil-A restaurant (the first in this region, which is a big deal apparently) in the very near future.  Fantastic news for people who love chicken sandwiches!  I lived in Atlanta, Georgia for a few years and ate at your establishment a few times and enjoyed the food.  Don’t get me wrong, you didn’t blow my mind or measure up to non-fast food restaurants in quality or service…but it was a good chicken sandwich with good customer service, for a fast food joint.  Then there was a day when I was looking for lunch on my break from work and decided that your restaurants proximity to my workplace, and my general desire for a simple chicken sandwich meant that I would be driving over to visit you once again.  The problem was that you were closed.  I was a little dismayed, but then went to another regional chicken chain called Zaxby’s and had a decent lunch.  It was a Sunday, and I was later told that your chain closes on Sundays due to Christian religious beliefs.  Seemed strange to me at the time, but I thought nothing of it and eventually moved back to Nebraska.  (Georgia had a lot of strange Christian customs and major league sports)

I’m going to be honest with you and put my proverbial cards on the table.  I am an atheist.  I believe that there is no creator or controlling entity involved in my reality and that human beings should be good to each other because it is right…not because someone in the sky or elsewhere might get mad at them if they aren’t and punish them (also don’t believe in ghosts or dance music…different issues).  Those are my personal beliefs that I hold to myself, and have no expectations of others to feel the same way.  I respect that your privately held corporation holds fundamental beliefs that entail being nice to customers and not being open on a day that you hold holy…that’s your call, more power to you.  It does seem to me that missing out on a day’s worth of revenue seems a little silly, but it is obvious you are doing fine without it.  Lots of other chain businesses close on Sundays for religious reasons and the world keeps spinning and children keep on laughing, no big deal.  I’m not a supporter of fast food restaurants having underlying religious messages, but honestly…who is going to discover Jesus Christ and his super cool chill message through eating some chicken nuggets?  None of this would ever stop me from eating at your establishment because your food is good and the customer service was great.  My problem with you and your company lies in where some of the money goes that you make from selling chicken sandwiches to believers and non-believers alike.  I love fast food, and have the outward appearance to prove it…so please know that the following messages are not based on vegan rage or psycho health nut whining.  You’ve received a lot of grief recently when it was revealed that your corporation donates money to a multitude of anti-gay marriage organizations.  I won’t bore you with the details that you’re already aware of, but I would advise anyone who reads this and does care about all human beings having equal rights to read some of the articles pertaining to the issue.

http://news.change.org/stories/yes-chick-fil-a-says-we-explicitly-do-not-like-same-sex-couples

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/30/us/30chick.html?pagewanted=all

Your president has denied any hatred and espoused your good natured Christian values…but let me tell you how I feel about you opening a restaurant in my hometown (keep in mind that I am not a homosexual man even though I have been told I come off as one, which I consider to be a compliment to my hygiene and vocabulary).  I will not, and will encourage others to not, spend one dime in your establishment because that one dime goes into the pocket of those who are actively against other human beings being in love.  Love is a human chemical reaction…no old timey books or backwards “traditional” values can change what love is. These people, whom you openly give money to, consider homosexuals to be evil and in need of a cure from their “sin”.  The thought of two of their “kind” falling in love and having equal rights to a male/female couple is an outrage to them and their values (also your values, don’t lie…Jesus wasn’t down with that supposedly)  The fight against Gay Marriage is just as mean spirited, insecure, and downright despicable as Segregation was and putting a mask of “family values” onto it just makes it more of an outrage.  (I agree with the comedian that made a joke about “disagreeing with all marriage”…being married is spooky and seems dull from what I’ve heard at open mic nights)  Your business will do well…most people care more about chicken sandwiches than they do human rights…but I’m hoping all of the people on the internet who get excited any time something new pops up take into account that the money they are spending is fueling a machine that is fighting against the eventual equality the LGBT (that stands for “the gays”) community will receive, will take a second and consider what they are funding by their bandwagon chicken sandwich euphoria.  (And let’s be honest, if the most exciting thing happening in your life is a fast food place opening in your town…you need a little bit of excitement, or at least a hobby that doesn’t involve eating processed foods…the only one I’ve found is Netflix)  Full equality is years away due to people twisting an ancient hippy’s message and turning their own insecurities into agendas….but there will be a day when a gay MARRIED couple and their happy functioning adopted kids will enjoy a very nice Chick-Fil-A dinner…and until that day or the day that you stop supporting anti-human causes (sounds like the X-men!), every dollar spent is a dollar towards hatred and inequality (or just spent by people who care more about eating fast food than the causes they click “Like” next to on the internet)  Remember what happened with Segregation…you are from the South, so I hope you do remember.  Sorry so sloppy!

Love,

 Ian Douglas Terry

An open letter to Morrissey…

(Sorry hip kids, Morrissey is an idiot)

Dear Mr. Morrissey,

To start, I am not a fan of your music (it pains me because I love most things British), and I never will be….so I’m not exactly an expert  on you or your overall message.  A girl I liked once made me listen to some of your music and I avoided the trap that lots of guys get stuck in where they start “liking” music because women they want to make love to enjoy it.  You’ve probably listened to Bon Iver, chicks love that kind of stuff right?  There is nothing inside of me that wants to listen to, as Jack Black’s character in High Fidelity would label, “sad bastard music”.  From what little I’ve read about you or noticed, you are the king of the sad bastards.  Good for you, it is nice to have niche…you probably don’t have to try very hard to please a bunch of people who are interested in misery and being overly selfish and concerned with outward appearances.  I’ve seen the dudes who dress like you to convey how much they enjoy you…just like the women who desperately want to tell the world that they’re wacky individuals by emulating that Lady Gaga character.  That’s about my limit of knowledge on your image and message.  (A sketch group I was in also made a video making fun of your “Throwing My Arms Around Paris” song and video…but that’s inconsequential to what lies ahead)  Then I read this short article:

http://www.avclub.com/articles/morrissey-says-norway-massacre-is-nothing-compared,59628/

Are you Glenn Beck?  I had no idea you were such an arrogant and unrealistic person (as Mr. Beck is).  Young human beings being murdered is nothing compared to domesticated processed dead animals being served in fast food restaurants….  Really?  I’m not anti-Vegan, not at all….and I understand and respect people who hold veganism as a personal belief…but I treat it the same way I treat all personal beliefs, I don’t give a shit about them.  I don’t care whom people worship, even though I believe that there is no god or creator and no cloud based justice system in the universe…but I don’t feel that people who personally believe the opposite are lesser human beings than I am.  I only get offended when people use their own personal religious beliefs as a weapon to change everyone else’s laws and ideas to match their own.  I respect anyone who holds their personal beliefs strongly and to themselves, and does not waste time or energy preaching or shaming others into their way of thinking.  There are people who actively hate people who are different religions than they are…there are people who actively hate persons with different political ideals and consider their neighbors to be their enemies…then there are people who feel sanctified and actively hate people who choose to eat differently than they do.  I am not Vegan myself and generally just eat whatever I like with little regard for the consequences to my own body, or the impact it has on society.  I understand that this makes me a despicable person to you and a lot of preachy people who watched too many Disney movies and believe that chickens are not terrifying monsters that deserve to become nuggets.  (Seriously, chickens are obnoxious assholes who deserve extermination, they’re mostly dinosaur…but shitty dinosaurs no one liked)  Now I’m kind of being a dick…but honestly….if you are a person who feels that your own personal beliefs make you superior to anyone else, you are obviously insecure in those beliefs.  You’re also a fucking asshole.  This stands for ANYTHING….if you think you’re better than someone because you’re a fan of a sports team, you need to re-evaluate your existence and contribution to the world.  If you want to fight someone because they believe that Firefly was overrated and deserved being cancelled, you’re a nerd and you’re not going to win any fights unless they’re on a keyboard hiding behind an LCD screen.  Personal beliefs are personal…and if your belief is strong, nothing else should matter to you.  The best thing about our society is the different ideas, beliefs, points of view, etc. that exist, and one of the worst things is people who believe everyone should think, feel, and act the same.  One could take your statement about the tragedy in Norway and slightly change it to sum up the belief that dead Norwegian teenagers aren’t nearly as bad as the millions of innocent babies killed every day by abortion.  Does that seem fair to you?  Or does it seem ridiculous because it goes against your personal beliefs?  Glen Beck has a raging high horse boner for sensationalizing events and using them to push his own agenda…I’d like to think you’re somehow better than that Mr. Morrissey.  Just stick to making sad bastard music so vain dudes can bang sad emotional girls….unless you have an actual plan and the means to feed all of the people and replace and maintain all of the resources it would take to instantly eliminate meat from everyone in the world’s diet (you want it to happen NOW, so you’d better have the solution right NOW).

(Vegans, good for you…I respect your beliefs and respect those of you who are doing it for yourselves and only share your beliefs in a non-competitive or non-superior way.  Let us inconsiderate ignorant slobs get fat and die from exploding hearts…enjoy your future sex robots.)

Love,

  Ian Douglas Terry  

An Open Letter to Omaha World Herald Columnist Robert Nelson…

 
Hi Robert. (Forgive me if I didn’t proofread this very much, I’m trying to watch a ghost hunting program)  I have a few proverbial bones to pick with the column you wrote on June 29th regarding marijuana legalization in the state of Nebraska.  (http://www.omaha.com/article/20110629/NEWS01/706299914#nelson-no-rush-to-legalize-pot)

I instantly took offense to your opening where you claim to not be “into stereotypes” folowed by your use of the derogatory term for users of marijuana, “stoners”, three times in the same sentence.  Quite the opening to an extremely stilted and muddled opinion piece, if I do say so myself (which I will in my own stilted opinion piece).  I imagine if you were to write a column about a city wide liquor license issue you would open it up with something along the lines of…  “Local drunks may finally be able to get overly drunk again….”  That would be a fair assumption…a lot of people who smoke pot are stoners…a lot of people who drink alcohol are drunks….but are ALL of them?  Can we sum up all prescription drug users as pill popping psychopaths?  Can we make the claim that everyone who eats cake is morbidly obese?  Yes, we can do these things…because we’re writing opinion based pieces.  Who cares if our opinions are completely and utterly silly?  Who cares if using stereotypical terms and view points debunks a statement made about not being “into stereotypes”? You use the terms “dude”, “groovy”, and “freakin out” in a fairly condescending context.  My question is…what Cheech and Chong movie did you rent (or Netflix stream) before writing this?  The one where they start a fake ice cream company to sell weed?  Or maybe the one that Comedy Central used to edit all pot references, including and shots showing weed, by changing them to diamonds?  I assumed you weren’t my grandfather and you could use modern day vernacular to address a modern day issue in column format.  (Plus it is kind of hackney writing, JUST SAYIN!)  

You go on in your column to state that people could only “argue” that alcohol is more dangerous than marijuana…because marijuana users can be “dangerously stupid”.  Personally I have never witnessed a drunk person doing anything stupid in my life, OH WAIT…that is all that drunk people ever do. I am one them, I am an expert on stupid.  Putting aside the deaths caused by drunk driving and the inherent fact that alcohol abuse can tear families apart and negatively affect (or is it effect, damn you Community College!) every aspect of one’s life…when people drink alcohol they act REAL stupid.  When people smoke pot, from my experience, they laugh more and are more creative (even if the things they’re creating are dumb or stupid).  You might have a point…an alcoholic father punching his child is less bothersome than a guy watching TV and laughing to himself.  Are you one of those people who use the ridiculous idea of “Would you want your doctor smoking pot before operating on you?” as a platform?  That idea is stupid, because having legal and available alcohol and prescription drugs doesn’t mean that every doctor is drunk and doped up before doing their job that they care about and are paid to do (though some might be for all I know).  Personally I’d rather have a man driving me around and fast speeds who smoked a little bit of pot before doing so rather than someone who had a few drinks or took a mix of pills from a pharmacist.  Claiming that if something is legalized instantly makes everyone abuse it is complete backwards thinking…if anything, legalizing marijuana would make it less “cool” and less of a renegade thing to do…which would lead to casual use rather than extreme over use.  Remember Prohibition?  I don’t, I was not alive…but from what I’ve read it was awful, and these days it seems like legal booze, even though it is extremely dangerous when abused, did not open a proverbial Pandora’s box of apocalyptic proportions as the Prohibitionists would have had our grandparents believe.  (Plus taxing it would create income for governments state or local that are severely lacking funds, but we can just keep punishing/taxing the middle class into non-existence because they aren’t rich enough to stay rich)  I’m getting off on a bit of jag here…so I’ll just say that putting a skew onto this issue in which pot portrayed as equally or more dangerous than alcohol goes completely against statistical math…thus it is based on your cartoon-ish idea of what a “stoner” is and does.  (Remember Scooby-Doo?  That man was totally high and talking to a dog!)

The majority of your column is dedicated to the idea that the idea of pot users and advocates are lazy and stupid people who can’t organize.  That makes sense at first thought (based on stereotypes and people you knew in college)…but you want to know what I think?  I think that ALL human beings are inherently lazy, stupid, and unorganized. The part that makes a person a “good human” is rising above these natural traits.  I won’t go into an exposition about religion, reality TV, sports, suburbs, corporate culture, republicans/democrats, or teenage mom worship…but if you really believe that only people who smoke pot are lazy and unorganized…you’ve obviously never used Twitter (#thatdamnriver).  I just opened up for famous comedian Doug Benson (name drop, I’m a very cool person, ask me about it).  Doug Benson is known for being a marijuana advocate and for starring in a documentary about marijuana usage called “Super High Me”.  He obviously must be very stupid and lazy based on your ideas from your column.  Mr. Benson makes movies, has a televisionshow on Comedy Central (The Benson Interruption) that is also a podcast, and another very popular podcast (Doug Loves Movies).  He does all of those things and also tours around the US constantly doing stand up comedy….that does not seem very lazy.  I talked to him a bit and expected him to be very stoned (which he was) and he matched up to my expectation of what a very stoned person would be like, but the second he stepped onto stage he was sharp, engaging, funny, witty, and still very stoned…he came across as a very smart man!  How can he do this with the massive amount of marijuana he uses?  Doesn’t he know he is supposed to be a goofy clown who fits into your stereotype? Sounds like Doug needs to read the World Herald! 
 
I understand your view point on there being no initiative or overwhelming campaign in Nebraska to legalize marijuana, there really isn’t.  (You even checked Facebook!  Journalism is fun!)  Do you know why?  Its not because people who want this to become a reality are lazy and stupid…it is because the majority of people who are behind the issue are being realistic and biding their time.  You might not be aware of this, but Nebraska is a “Red” state…not only the Go Big Red state…but a very conservative state.  Republicans normally win in this state, homosexual marriage is not even a glimmer of an idea here yet, Latino people are severely discriminated against in many towns, and Larry The Cable guy is our biggest export.  Marijuana couldn’t even get legalized in California….CALIFORNIA.  That is where all of the hippies, stoners, dudes, and “far out” drug wizards live!  They vote for black presidents, celebrate other cultures, and attempt to give human beings equal rights…what hope does Nebraska have for making a plant legal to own and use?  So I agree with you that this cause is “hopeless” (for now)…but not in the Negative Nancy way in which you stated it.

Here’s the rub, good friend (I assume we’re friends now, add me on the Facebook!)… I am not a marijuana user.  I have, and might if I’m drunk enough and it is offered…but I do not smoke the reefer or “Wacky Grass” or whatever archaic term one might use.  I do not even know how to properly purchase it because it is illegal and I’d have to befriend some kind of weirdo to get access to it.  If it was sold at a chain drug store by the Marlboro corporation I still would not use it…I just don’t care to.  I also think “pot culture” is silly and bizarre.  I’ve seen the centerfolds in High Times magazine…I rolled my eyes at the nerds celebrating “4-20”….you and I have a mutual disdain for “stoners”.  The difference is that I don’t feel that the things I don’t agree with should be illegal.  I follow a lifestyle of “to each his/her own”.  I also recognize that legalizing marijuana would make local/state/federal governments a whole lot of money in taxation…and it would also put a whole lot of drug dealers out of business (that is a good thing, in case you didn’t know…people in Mexico are literally losing their heads over it!).  Would our society devolve into crazy stupid stoners?  I don’t know, how anarchic is Amsterdam?  In the future, try to write an opinion piece that isn’t as lazy as this one and don’t lean so heavily on stereotypes.  Thanks, bro.
Love,
 Ian Douglas Terry
P.S.  Did you really go to a Van Halen concert once?  That is awesome.

iandouglasterry@gmail.com
@iandouglasterry on the Twitter

An open letter to Comedy…

(In which I explain the intricate spider web construction of the ultimate fart joke and why you really just don’t “get it”.)

Dear Comedy,

First and foremost, I do not consider myself to be a “comedian”…because that implies that I tell jokes as a hobby or career (or delusionally believe that I have a career doing it when its only a hobby).  I am a performer or at least a storyteller.  My main solo endeavor involves reading letters or short stories that I wrote while a musician plays some music…I enjoy doing this for two reasons.  One, I never have to memorize anything which is great because I’ve got zero memory left….and two, music combined with a story creates something more captivating than just a person speaking does.  I only “perform” once every few months because I don’t feel that practicing reading is going to help me in any way, I don’t care what people actually think about what I do (which makes me a lousy stand-up), I dislike doing the same material a second time just like most people get tired of hearing the same jokes over and over, and I am very lazy….it also makes it more of a commodity, which a lot of people fail to consider when approaching their own comedy objectives.  I realized what my faults and weaknesses were and chose a path to cover those up…rather than work hard to get a really killer dick joke that a bachelorette party would love.  Enough about what I do when I’m bored of Netflix and video games…let’s break this into two parts:  The “audience” (anyone who enjoys comedy in any form) , and the “comedians” (anyone who attempts to do anything comedic in any form).

  People.  Comedy is subjective, as any other form of entertainment or art.  (Comedy is not art, it is entertainment…please never confuse that)  The things that you personally find funny, others do not.  Personally, I’m a fan of British humor and lean more towards sketch than stand-up or improv (stand-up is like pleasuring one’s self in a spot light so others will accept you…improv is like bad group sex with people you don’t want to have sex with, but with more theatrics).  There are people who believe that According to Jim is the pinnacle of comedy…there are people who think that Daniel Tosh commenting on Youtube videos is mind blowing…there are people who “don’t get” Mr. Show or Monty Python.  We could argue all day about our own opinions on comedy, but nothing would change (please, tell me in detail which SNL cast was the “best”, you’re wrong.)…what we can address is how you, as an audience, treat comedy.  Supposedly, everyone likes to laugh…some people are just nerds about it more than others.  Some people listen to the podcasts, read the books, and trace the roots…other people just want to see a cartoon dog fart.  Its the same as people appreciating A Tribe Called Quest or Jack White’s contributions towards music….while others appreciate Nickelback.  Casual comedy fans…stop going to comedy shows expecting them to meet your expectations of what is funny….because EVERYTHING is funny in the correct context.  If a joke offends you, don’t clap…that’s ten times worse than heckling….a dead room is more discouraging to someone on a stage than a heckler ever could be…most comedians practice how to deal with hecklers and get excited about the prospect.  Understand that there is a spectrum of comedy…just like there is a spectrum of music, art, and ice cream flavors (that’s for any fat people who don’t appreciate art or music).  There are comedians who are mainstream who will tell you jokes about how awful their wife is and how they shit their pants once…and there’s fresh, weird, new, and exciting approaches happening in the cities you live in.  You know that wacky bearded guy in the Hangover movies that you love?  That guy has been doing amazingly strange comedy for years, if anything the stuff he did in those movies is tame compared to his actual material.  Dig into the weird stuff…treat it like the folky indie music EVERYONE loves right now…alternative comedy IS punk rock/indie rock.  Casual fans need to take pride in supporting local comedy the same way that they take pride in supporting local music or art and help it to grow and get better…us comedy nerds can’t do it alone.  (..and if you think you’re funny, do it on a stage…otherwise don’t tell me how funny you think you are.  Everyone is a comedian on the internet.)

Comics….  do whatever you do, but don’t expect people to care unless you’re doing something new.  You have to understand that most people don’t care about local comedy because of their own comedic expectations…or because they came out twice and heard the same jokes.  Oh, and enough with the rape jokes already.

In closing, everyone loves comedy…but just like romantic love, some people don’t fully understand it and are doing it wrong.  

Love,

www.iandouglasterry.com

www.okpartycomedy.com

An open letter to friendship…

(An analytical summation of the dynamics of non-sexual relationships amongst non-related persons…and how you’re totally going to die alone because no one actually really likes you.)

Hey friendship,

  First and foremost, if you were truly a ship…I would not sail you.  Sure, you look great from afar and seem to be sturdy and true…but in reality you are made of rotten wood and have more holes than the plot to Twilight (that’s a thing right?).  This might be a bitter way to kick off a letter about something that people are excited enough about to print on t-shirts (BFF’S 4 LYFE)…but reality is a cold and bitter place, and if you haven’t realized that yet you must live on a beach and have the kind of job where no one expects anything from you.  What is friendship?  According to Wikipedia (the only true bible):

Friendship is a form of interpersonal relationship generally considered to be closer than association, although there is a range of degrees of intimacy in both friendships and associations.

  That sounds about right….but I’m going to put my own spin on this, as I am wont to do.  (The Wikipedia page for friendship taught me a new term that I was unaware of…”fag stag”.  I was already aware of “fag hag”, I’ve dated them…they are strange.  Now I just want to be a “fag stag”…it sounds regal and sweaty.)  Your friends are the people that you hang out with…whether by mutual interest/ideology (Sports, Religion, Punk Rock, Ultimate Fighting, Crime, Ultimate Crime, Cat Fancy, etc.) or proximity (School, Work, Neighborhood, Social Areas, Bars, Graveyards, Orgy Rooms, etc.).  You can be friends with literally anyone (if they’re in a band you get bonus points)…its just basic human connection and attraction.  The way a person treats thes people explains a lot about their personality and their singular world view.  Personally, I treat my friends like garbage and keep most of them at arms length.  I think a lot of people rely on their friends to support them emotionally and justify their lifestyle choices….my friends just get to listen to me talk about wrestling and video games (single player only, multi-player games are for nerds).  Most people have no idea what’s really going on with me, and I like that…because to be honest most of the time I don’t really know and would rather watch Netflix.  (unless anyone followed me on Livejournal or Twitter/Facebook during my “Overshare Days” (any time I was dumped)…now I just act facetious 24-7 and avoid reacting to real life things on the internet…its a battle)  In younger days, I was a very shitty person who viewed other human beings as a resource to be exploited to get whatever it was I desired at that time.  Pretty terrible right?  That’s how the majority of human beings treat their friends (whether they admit to it or not), so I am not alone.  When I started getting older, I realized that I was in fact a sociopath with anti-social behaviors…once again, not alone.  There’s something about the arc of modern inter-personal relationships that is trending towards putting one’s self over the whole.  At one point I made the conscious decision to force myself to “give more than I take”…and my life and brain waves have benefited.  I still cycle through human beings, but not in an exploitive way (I’m still fine with exploiting people’s talent, though)…more as in a way a professional sports team trades and recruits new players every season to keep things fresh and to achieve a goal (and also cut the dead weight who aren’t producing anything of worth).  I don’t “need” friends…I’m a spooky loner who could honestly spend my entire life in my apartment and not once complain about it online….but it just so happens the things that I enjoy doing are more interesting and fun when others are involved.  I think there is something very strange about a person who is still friends with the same people that they were friends with when they were growing up.  Life is about evolution and broadening one’s horizons (unless you live in the South)…and all human beings choose different paths, so at some point you should find yourself growing apart from people…maybe the mutual interest isn’t exciting any more or the proximity is gone….it happens.  From childhood, to high school, to college age, to adulthood….different people cycle into our lives to match the person we are at those points.  Its not infeasible that we carry some friends with us through those periods, but when I see someone who is still friends with the exact same people in the exact same place that they were a decade ago….I hear the fail music from the Price Is Right.  Just think of the people you went to high school with for reference.  You know why people get upset if their friend stops “hanging out”?  Its because that person is moving on in life and moving forward…and the person getting upset is not.  Level up, or stay on the tutorial level forever.

  Who is your best friend?  How did you decided that?  Do you have a ranking system?  Did you make a group of your friends compete in a series of Survivor-esque events to win a trophy with BFF on it?  (I have a spreadsheet that I update weekly, Cody Wayne Hurd is #1..mostly because I only interact with him once every month so the passion and romance is still there.  #2 will always be whichever girl I’m making miserable at the time because they have to listen to me talk and pretend to understand my bullshit).  I had an disagreement with a girlfriend once because she had referred to six different people as her best friend, and I argued that she was fundamentally unsound…and that one could only have one best of anything.  She dumped me for being “negative”  (what a dick, right?).  The concept of best friends kind of creeps me out..mostly because of how people present it in real life or on the internet (keep in mind that I’m friends with a lot of 20-something girls on FB and Twitter, not being sexist…but I see some mega emotional roller coasters on the net).  Its always in the same way that someone who is being overly excited and over sharing about someone they are having sex with on the “reg” (short for regular, its totally a thing).  If my close friends constantly talked about how much they loved me on the internet, I’d get weirded out.  You’re only supposed to talk about what TV shows and food you love on the internet, not actual human beings…that just comes across as desperate and unrealistic.  My friends show their “love” for me by letting me come to their houses once in a while….we don’t need to tweet back and forth at each other so everyone deduces that we’re emotionally unstable.  I think the best friend craze is similar to the brain chemicals the fire up and die off when you are passionately in love with someone…or your best friend grows up and moves on, which is what we’re supposed to do as progressive human beings.  I can’t stand to be in the same place, doing the same things, with the same group of people for too long…drives me nuts.  I need change and new stimuli or I get depressed and even more fat (ask Erin, I’m obese).  I’m pretty sure its part of being a human and part of being a member on a generation with short attention spans.  The meaning of life is simply growing up.  You become a more stable and better person and take the steps needed to become self-actualized….or you hang out with the same people doing the same shit every year until you’re eventually the old weirdo sitting at a bar by yourself talking about “back in the day”.

  In summation…friendship is great, but in reality its merely an end to a means….it fulfills our need to belong and our want to socialize and feel like we’re “doing” something with ourselves, while we may or may not be doing something productive with ourselves.  Keep in mind that others will always judge you based on who your friends are….regardless of how much of a snowflake you believe yourself to be.  The pageantry and drama of friendship that unfolds is great…but at the end of the day, your family and whoever you wind up starting a family with eventually (unless you’re a total dick) are the only people who are more or less “forever”.  So tell everyone how amazing your friends are, and then talk about how alone you are in the world the next week….its kind of funny to everyone else.  

The key is to find friends who honestly care about you, who you can be yourself to, and who will give you money when your broke ass needs it.

Love,

  Ian Douglas Terry 

An open letter to Dating…

I’m an expert on love, relationships, and how terrible both of those things are.  Let me teach you how to quit being babies about it!

Dear Dating,

  I’m not going to get into the confusing semantics of defining you.  Whether its “boyfriend”, “girlfriend”, “soulmate”, “life partner”, “friends who bang”, “just seeing each other”, “people cheating on their significant others”, “justifying ones existence through meaningless sex”…or whatever you kids call it these days….when two people are getting down together on the regular, they are dating.  Whether its serious and monogamous, or just spring break casual…its still a relationship of sorts.  There are all kinds of reasons to be in a relationship…predominately our human drive to pair up, settle down, and make a baby.  If it was that easy life would be simple, peaceful, and happy….but it isn’t.  We are driven by instinct to need this…but through a combination of brain chemicals, centuries of self-importance and unjust entitlement, and a inordinate amount of pop culture propaganda and social network based bombardment…we’ve decided that we also need to also have everything we WANT.  The basics of the human species is that men want to have sex with things they want to have sex with and dominate everything else.  Piece of cake…manly hairy cake.  Women, on the other hand, want….well shit…I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WOMEN WANT!  I’m not entirely sure that they even know what they want.  I’m going to have to set aside my own confusion that everyone I’ve ever dated ingrained within me, and approach this as a scientist….a sex scientist.  A Sexitist, if you will (copyright trademark me).  We’ll avoid turning this into a rant about how women need to figure out what the fuck they want out of life before trying to tell handsome, dynamic, and charismatic men (me) what to do with their lives (same goes for the reverse of this…except men just need to stop treating women like Pokemon, you really can’t catch them all…you’ll just catch something that will make your dick fall off)…and approach this from a purely Sexitist stand point.

I had a girlfriend once, for a very brief time, who explained to me that love and relationships are just chemicals.  There’s no magic or mystery, its just reactions.  She told me that at that current point in her life, her chemicals were excited about me, but eventually they would not be (which I helped speed along by being a total dick).  At first I thought she was nuts…but that was probably the smartest thing anyone had ever told me. I’ve taken that idea and expanded on it with the things I’ve learned as a Sexitist.  So here we go, Ian Douglas Terry’s theory on love and relationships:  All human attraction is due to brain chemicals.  When you meet someone new, you are excited…this is due to chemical reactions.  It is not because they are the “one”…there is no such thing as a human being who is perfect for another human being, Disney movies and fairy tales lied to you.  Any time you are attracted to someone, you will find things in common with them…hence people always saying “WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!”.  You do have things in common…you are both human beings experiencing a drug like effect in your brains….the fact that you both like the same dumb music or the same boring movie is not special…you could go to a desert in Africa and find something in common with someone you meet there as long as you’re attracted to them.  The problem with chemical reactions is that they eventually STOP.  That’s why so many people jump into relationships (the initial high/buzz lust/crush) and then have no idea what they were thinking months later when they finally have to interact with that person on a basic human level.  That person of your dreams becomes just another person with faults and flaws….your perfect human companion becomes someone who farts and is kind of a dick.  It is impossible for that initial brain reaction to last forever (no matter what pop music or romance novels tell you), so this is where the actual challenge comes in.  Women always seem to accept that things changed and stubbornly ride it out until it eventually explodes (or just crashes every couple of months).  Men just resort to wanting to have sex with everyone in the world, but do so in a behind the back sneaky manner that men have now become known for…while staying in a relationship….because men treat relationships like getting a really cool bike as a child.  

“No one else can ride this bike, its mine!  I love this bike!  But that bike over there looks pretty awesome too, maybe I’ll just ride it around the block once..no one will know, but NOBODY TOUCH MY BIKE, ITS MINE! “

(I have never understood why a guy with a girlfriend would brag to me about hooking up with other girls…its basically like saying “Hey, I’m a phony with emotional problems…please tell me how cool I am”…if you want to bang other people, move on…grow up…life is too short to ruin someone else’s because of your inferiority complex).  Men are dogs aren’t they ladies?  Well, its your fault (and society’s fault, their parents’ fault, and rap music’s fault). People will stay with someone while complaining about them and everything they do…once the cool sunglasses of initial excitement have been pulled off, you have to accept things, change things, compromise, and decide how long you want that relationship to last.  That’s what a real relationship is.  You know what aren’t real relationships?

- The couple who is always fighting - if you are in a relationship where the majority of the time you are fighting with someone…break up.  You’re still together because the drastic ups and downs are exciting and stimulate your brain box…but its only going to end badly.  We should all know this by now…plus its embarrassing in public.

- The trust couple - if you are in a relationship where the other person is constantly thinking you’re doing bad things, stepping out on them, lying, fooling around, etc…you probably are and they’re right.  While its not true that “people never change”…it takes YEARS for someone to change.  If you want to wait years for your boyfriend to stop texting other girls while you’re gone or asleep, go nuts.  You should break up.  If you don’t trust someone to be honest to you, how can you trust them with anything?  Its just your chemicals getting stimulated by the drama…fuck drama, grow up.

- The sacrifice couple - if you are in a relationship where you or the other person is not doing something that they love or not following a dream/career…break up.  Life is too short to pass up opportunity.  It hurts and sucks…but you’ll just wind up resenting the person for holding you back.  Know what you want out of life….go for it…and if someone wants to come along for the ride, let them…but not at the expense of their own life and goals.  

- The should be couple - whether its “just friends”, bff’s that f, or the creepy opposite sex buddies that say they’re just like brother and sister…and then make out.  Cut the shit.  The reason you can’t find a nice normal person to date is because you’ve made your life SUPER WEIRD.  Just date your creepy not brother and learn to actually interact with them on a human level that doesn’t involve sexual tension and bullshit….then you’ll both hate each other and move on.

- the facebook couple - if you change your relationship status every time you are upset with the person you are dating….end it right now, delete your profile, and read a book.  Yeah, we saw the hundreds of pictures you took of you and your boyfriend/girlfriend kissing last weekend…yes we are all very jealous as the caption you put saying “Be Jealous” told us to be.  Every time you change your status to single (every week), all kinds of guys will tell you how awesome you are to boost your self-esteem back up.  One week you post about having the best boyfriend ever, the next its sad song lyrics…but we all know how this song ends…with you posting something about how you love being single/hate being alone for the next few months.  Buy a diary….write in it….use the internet for shit that matters….like Wikipedia, videos of cats, buying shit you don’t need, and finding more people to tell you how sexy you are.

-the baby couple - someone didn’t wear a condom, now you’re stuck together for life.  Not going to last…this is why society is going bananas.  Make vasectomies free, painless, reversible, and hip to teenage dudes…problem solved.  You’ll still have STD’s…but STD’s aren’t going to poop in the hallway of my apartment building.

- the bar couple - they met at a bar, they always hang out at a bar, their friends with other bar people…I get it, you’re old enough to drink now…cool.  Tribalism is fun, until its time to grow up.  The problem with these kinds of relationships is when you take the bar/alcohol away…there’s nothing really to talk about.  If you’re doing it just to bang as many people as possible…its perfect.  If you are trying to form a real and meaningful relationship…good luck.  Plus, how long can you keep hanging out and doing the same thing until you’re just old, weird, and sad?  Answer…not very.

I used to be fine with jumping into dating, because I never took it seriously.  I’d ride that chemical wave until I realized I didn’t actually like the naked person I’d tethered myself to…and then just move on.  That’s a pretty fun way to live if you don’t care about anyone else or their feelings.  I’m to the point now where I want to take every step possible to make sure I’m 100% ready to really only be with one human, before I make the big step of changing my facebook status and ruining the year of female fandom I’ve built up….that and I also don’t want any more enemies (ex-girlfriends).  I want to know everything about that person, EVERYTHING.  I want to make sure that they like “me for me” (ugh..Cliche City: population this guy) and not the persona that I present to the world.  I want to let those initial chemicals die down and get to the human aspect.  I want to make sure I’ll have nothing left to regret.  I want to end all other weird side relationships I may have, and make sure that nothing weird pops up later.  I don’t want to treat every relationship like a test drive any more…because that’s the problem (or maybe I’m just old and worn out from all of the humpin).  We don’t treat them like investments, we do them because we don’t want to be alone or because we are expected to…but rather than treat it like a big life decision…we get drunk and bang it out like wild teenage sociopaths.  (Keep in mind that most people you will be in some kind of sexual scenario with will tell you that they aren’t ready for a relationship…and 95% of the time this means that they’re waiting for someone else..but there is a 5% of the time where the person really isn’t ready, if everyone was just honest with each other we wouldn’t have to guess, assume, or stereotype women as cold calculating dickheads) 

The solution to solving all relationships is honesty (or just wait for the perfect magical person who completes you, nerds).  Straight up honesty.  Not telling the person what they want to hear…or telling them whatever will make you seem like the only decent and pure person in the world (you aren’t).  Be honest, even if its confusing or hard to grasp.  If you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready…if you are, get it on!  If the fun is over and you don’t love them any more…TELL THEM THAT.  Do what you need to do and do what you want to do…but don’t be dishonest about it.  I regret so many of the times I’ve lied to someone…but never the times I said exactly how I felt and exactly what I wanted (and that’s why I’m better than everyone else).

Love,

  Sexitist, Ian Douglas Terry

An open letter to Gay Marriage….

(I have the solution to instantly legalize gay marriage…I’m a genius)

Haaaaaaaay Gay Marriage,

Right off the bat, I support you.  There’s absolutely no reason why all human beings should be able to marry another human being (of legal age) who they are in love with.  Marriage is just an empty meaningless distraction any more, divorce is an accepted reality rather than shameful defeat…so it doesn’t really matter any ways right?  Plus, how crazy and elaborate would gay weddings be?  Imagine the dancing and the pageantry!  Straight weddings would pale in comparison…maybe that’s why people are upset about this (straight women are pretty jealous and petty).  Allegedly this is a HUGE divisive issue in these modern times.  People are violently opposed to love being expressed between two other human beings.  One of the main reasons that people are against these unions is that it goes against the bible (or koran, but I’m not going to mess with those righteous dudes).  They have found specific lines in this ancient holy text that can be read as saying that homosexuality is a sin..therefore homosexual people should not be able to be wed (because ALL weddings are Christian).  Keep in mind this book also talks about how its cool to sell your daughter into slavery, and that its possible to put two of every species of animal onto one boat without it turning into a crazy bloodbath.  So these angry people are taking what they personally believe and hold true, and demanding that these ideals be enforced upon others who do not believe in them.  That’s totally fair (not)!  The separation of Church and State in the US is so blurry any more that we might as well acknowledge that Jesus was the first president of our country just to appease Middle America.  Speaking of Jesus…do you think he HATED fags?  I don’t really remember Jesus saying anything about hating anything in the bible.  (Granted I treated it like the God fan fiction that it truly is)  I’m pretty sure that Jesus didn’t even hate the people who physically nailed him to a cross…so why would he hate a couple of guys who are in to each other?  If your belief is strong, you don’t have to go out and scream about it to the world.  (When the bible was written, there was a shortage of healthy children being born…there isn’t any more…there are way too many children being born.  If anything let’s be against poor dumb people breeding)  If you actually do love Jesus and want to go to your heaven…start acting like him and cut the shit.

Another reason that people oppose gay people having to only sleep with one person for the rest of their lives (yuck) is that it “goes against nature”.  Interesting concept…but have you ever watched a documentary about monkeys?  Monkeys have sex with everything…males, females, coconuts, other species.  Homosexuality exists all across the spectrum of nature…and if people could keep their beliefs and biology text books harmoniously separated…they could grasp this.  Your brain and brain chemicals do not determine how an entire species should act.  Dudes….you should be ELATED that homosexuality exists.  Have you seen how handsome and well dressed gay men are and how easily they attract women?  They aren’t in competition for babes against you…you should want EVERY attractive male to be gay.  (And ladies who are opposed to homosexuality…guess who designs all of your clothes and the ugly shoes you freak out about)  The majority of people who are anti-gay, anti-black, anti-mexican, anti-woman, anti-everything have poor or little education.  That is the overriding problem with our society.  More money is spent on war than in making sure everyone can read and do math.  Poorly educated people don’t know how to properly act in public and how to successfully and peacefully interact with other human beings.  Poorly educated people do not have the tools to succeed in life and follow career paths.  Poorly educated people believe in ghosts and that gay people will magically transform their children into “little faggots”.  You can’t really argue with a poorly educated person…they never learned how to rationalize or practice empathy.  So there will always be people who hate the gays (and other races/sexes/religions)…unless we start educating and stop yelling.

Here is my solution to get gay marriage legalized (and no, its not more Lady Gaga songs.  Lady Gaga is a character created by the record industry and a major label.  Madonna did it all first, and look how she turned out)…and to eliminate a lot of homophobia and inequality.  Modern Family.  Yes, a television show…a very well written and well executed television show.  If you’re not familiar, it is a sitcom program about three families who are related…and one of the families is two homosexual men who have an adopted Asian daughter.  The fascinating thing about this TV show (besides the fact that the hot daughter is actually in her 20’s)…is that it has HUGE ratings amongst people who are opposed to gay people.  How does that make sense???  Is it that people will set aside the things they hate and refuse to allow in society if its funny?  Are gays okay if they make you laugh?  (Black people certainly are)  Here’s what I propose…the writers/creators of Modern Family have Mitch and Cam get married (in one of that states that allows it of course).  If the ratings instantly plummet after that episode, America is right and we’re going to remain divided about this issue forever.  If the ratings stay the same or increase…all states must instantly legalize gay marriage and apologize for taking so long to do so.  (The voting that went down in California was the biggest joke ever…through multiple religious groups and cultural close mindedness)  I believe that when presented with something that people are unfamiliar with or scared of in a context that they can comprehend… (white republicans watching a TV show) that understanding and acceptance can be reached.  People will always be scared of those that are different than them, until they actually experience people that are different than them…and if television is the catalyst, let’s get it on.

In closing….everyone has the right to be miserable and put on an elaborate ritualistic expensive show for their friends and family.  I spent years hating the idea of marriage, but after witnessing my friends go through it and how it simplified their lives (no more drunken desperate lonely anguish every weekend…now its just decks, lawns, and dinner parties), I’ve come to wish for that simplicity.  All people should be able to achieve that if they desire.  No homo.

Love,

Ian Douglas Terry

(I swear, I’ll get back to complaining about women and being a cocky jerk soon….)

An open letter to Racism…

(There is going to be a lot of capitalization errors in this…I barely grasp pronouns….I’m too punk rock.)

Hey Racism!

How’s it going you crazy old idea?  You are a terrible concept, but nevertheless I feel like you have been EXTREMELY misunderstood in your latter days.  You went from being a super villain puppet master who was behind atrocities, to also being a wacky weirdo neighbor in a sitcom…so let’s bang this out.

As defined by Wikipedia…my bible.

RACISM:

 Racism is the belief that the genetic factors which constitute race, ethnicity, or nationality are a primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that ethnic differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race.

So it boils down to believing that your race is superior or that another race is inferior.  Racism is behind some of the worst events in history….but these days EVERYTHING is racist.

Here’s a story:  A friend of a friend (who is a white female) posted the following statement on Facebook…. “I think Black guys that dress nerdy are sexy”.  Forty comments in about an hour later…the general consensus was that she had made a racist statement (which she confusedly tried to argue against).  What within that statement conveys her belief that her race (white) is superior to another race?  If anything she said that males from another race who dressed a specific way are attractive to her….that is a GOOD thing right?  That’s the proverbial sexy bridge of friendship between race and culture!  Was using the term “Black” racist?  I understand that African American is a politically correct term…but my ancestors came to this country in the 1860’s and calling myself an Irish American just feels weird and disconnected.  I know a bit about my ancestors and Ireland…but not enough where it constitutes anything major within my personality or who I am as a person…and I assume through this logic that a Black male my age with generations between them and their ancestors feels just as disconnected to Africa (this maybe be incorrect or vary from person to person…that’s how opinions and life experiences work).  I feel if she would have said “I think African American guys that dress nerdy are sexy” there would have had some of the same responses….and here’s why.  All of the responses to this post telling this young women that she was a racist were from WHITE MALES.  Can you think of a reason that a white male would get offended by a white women saying she’s attracted to Black males who dress a certain way?  Jealousy right?  It made them feel inferior.  They’re upset she doesn’t like white nerdy guys….but rather than accept the fact that this girl was stating her opinion, these angry romeos pointed the finger of racism at her.  They made something that was a positive into a negative because of HOW IT MADE THEM FEEL, rather than the actual context in which it was presented.  There were responses from Black males…and guess what?  They loved it and thought it was hilarious.  If your response to someone saying something is that you feel it is racist….was what they said racist?  or did you connect the dots in your own head and make it racist?  does that make you a racist because you were the one who came to that conclusion?  or are they being racist because they made you think that way?  

   I feel that any more we as a culture label anything that has ANYTHING to do with having a preference or pointing out differences between races as racist.  Racism is not noticing that we are different, that is just part of the human condition because WE ARE DIFFERENT.  The word has now lost a lot of its meaning due to this, a lot like the word rape loses its terrible significance when someone uses it do describe how they feel about gas prices rising (seriously…having to spend one or two more dollars is the same as forced violent sex?????). Stating that I’m better than  a Korean person because of genetic or socio economic advantages or differences….racist.  A young women basically stating that she wants to bang a black dude wearing glasses?  I’m into it, Donald Glover is a handsome dude.  Can’t we just exist?  In a country where the KKK has the same freedom of speech that all Americans do…should I really feel bad that I don’t understand why some of my more urban neighbors do some of the strange things that they do?  Should I feel guilt because I notice members of races doing similar things?  I don’t understand a lot of things that Black people do.  I don’t understand a lot of things German people do either…because I am neither of those things, and I do not have experiences that lead me to comprehending them.  Can we not understand when someone says an opinion that it is based on their own personal experiences and observances?  Even if it is completely stupid or wrong?  Can we not tell the difference between that and someone saying that EVERY member of a race is a criminal or illegal immigrant?  No one thinks the same…because we’ve all had different experiences in life.  After spending the first 18 years of my life living in a small Nebraskan town…moving to a city blew my mind and changed my view points on a lot of things.  Moving to Atlanta for a few years did all of that again but tenfold, I was a minority a lot of the time…I had never experienced that.  We are a sum of our surroundings, feelings, and experiences leading us to be completely different individuals….but at the same time, I am a White Midwestern Middle-Class Straight American Male.  Labels exist…no matter what we may try and say to negate them.  On first look I guarantee that I am judged as a twenty something nerdy white guy…I am not offended by this, its how I look and present myself to the world.  This is how we as human beings process data.  Some people may view me being a white male as something negative…some (sexy babes hopefully) will view me in a more positive light….we can not CHANGE those base instincts.  Stereotypes exist…races have similar beliefs, styles, notions, practices…its universal….but not true for EVERY SINGLE member of a race.  I try and act opposite of my white male stereotype by accepting other people for who they are….its wild.

The solution to ending racism seems to be learning about and experiencing other cultures.  Once you understand something, it makes sense to you…it is not a foreign idea or alien notion.  There’s a reason why white small town southerners fear black people, gay people, foreigners, books, etc…they have no interactions with any.  If a friend says something and your instant thought is “That’s racist”…tell them how that makes you feel and try and understand their point of view without invalidating it because of your own feelings.  If they actually believe that a race is inferior to theirs….why are you friends with them?  Suppressing thoughts on differences does not get rid of those feelings…it keeps them hidden under the carpet, they’re still there.  Labeling everything that points out differences as racist isn’t going to help us…if anything it diminishes the truly terrible nature of the term…but what do I know?  I’m just a white dude.

In closing…here is a jokey observance I once made to a friend, and how they reacted.  I pointed out that all of my black male friends were “nerds”.  That was the statement…nothing else.  She became very upset and felt that I was insinuating that they were different because they weren’t “thugs” or black stereotypes.  From my point of view, I was simply pointing out that these guys were nerds…and trying to joke that I wanted a “cool” black friend.  In my mind it was nerds vs. cool guys.  In her mind it was reality vs. stereotype.  She was thinking of her own father who is black and her family members who are also black, and how negatively stereotypes affected them and herself through her own experiences.  Was anyone right?  Was anyone wrong?  or were we both making connections based on our own experiences and feelings…which will occasionally cause a disagreement?  I certainly felt bad, because my intention was not to make a connection that my nerdy black friends were weirdos because they didn’t have guns, sell drugs, or drive Mercedes and that black males who didn’t play by the version of black culture that I see on TV and hear about in rap songs are “nerds”….it was just to point out that they were total nerds.  Rather than argue about it, and both get upset because neither one of us could understand the other’s experiences and point of view…maybe I just want to hang out with Tyrese!  The whole thing would have ended if she would have just told me….”Ian, you’re friends are nerds because you are a nerd.”  I can not argue with that.

Love,

 Ian Douglas Terry

An open letter to the LAAAAAAADIES,

Hey ladies,

I know you’re anticipating that this is going to be another…”I have sex with you but don’t respect you because the girl before you was a total dick” letters that I’ve written before, but I’m about to change the game.  (Plus repeating one’s self is derivative)  I’m writing this today to help you.  For once, this isn’t about me.  Let’s be honest, you need it…the vague tweets, emo face book posts, and other calls for help have gone unanswered….until today.  Girls, I am here to change your lives for the better.  I’m going to solve all of your boy problems (the majority of which you knowingly afflict yourselves with) in one fell swoop.  So listen up, for once…this isn’t going to be pretty, and its not going to be easy to hear, but this will change your lives for the better.  (And I know that its “sexist” for me, a man, to be telling you ladies what to do…but let’s face it, someone has to)

  You know that all that men basically want from you is sex right?  We’re talking biology here.  He may have the soul of a poet (totally manufactured to achieve primal needs)…but he wants to have sex with you, and then return to things he actually cares about in his life.  (All music, art, poetry, fiction, technology that was created by man, was created for sex or for attention leading to sex…try and prove me wrong)  That’s raw…but true.  Men have a genetic evolutionary mandate to want to have sex with as many things as possible…be they women, men, themselves, animals, etc…  That’s why there are so many terrifying things involving sex (rape, incest, A2M, Entourage).  Women are genetically inclined to want affection.  Its a scientific fact….don’t give me some bullshit about how you’re different (I know, you’re a badass like Kesha..but you’re still going to go on the internet and post about how you wish you had someone to cuddle with), you are in some minor ways…but human beings are a species of animals and as a species we are all the same.  You don’t see nature shows about sloths where they point out that there is one sloth that is super motivated and plays by his own rules.  We are doomed to this dynamic…so accept it and learn how to work within it.  (if you think that means use sex to get money or objects, stop reading this and smash your computer)  The only men who do not want to have sex with you are gay or related to you.  FACT.  Guy friends, they want to sleep with you…they are just patient and have nothing better to do at the moment. Think the guy that’s super nice to you is just one of the gals?  Randomly, and seriously, propose sex to him.  He’s going to say yes.  How many examples are there in popular culture of romantic misunderstandings between guy and gal friends?  TONS. Remember the movies that Not Another Teen Movie made fun of???  If you need guys around you to fulfill needs that are non-sexual, you’re going to have a hell of a time getting a boyfriend.  (and if you’re banging all of your dude friends…why do you need a boyfriend??)  If you need guy pals around you to flirt with you so you feel better about yourself while pursuing other dudes who are total dicks, you’re evil and need to stop posting on the internet about how guys are dicks  (I blame most sexism on this…somewhere in their timeline a woman treated every man like this, so they eventually resent all women and turn them into objects that are unable to make them feel insecure or unworthy).  If you have guy friends that you creepily flirt with in public, just bang them already and get over the weird sexual tension you’ve built up.  Be a grown up.  Want real friendships with men?  Once you’ve decided that you will never sleep with them (there is always that decision between men and women) TELL THEM.  If they stick around, they probably care about you as a human being.  Let’s end the drama and the weirdness and just practice honesty.  Now that we’ve accepted that all guys care about is sex….STOP TALKING ABOUT IT LIKE ITS SHOCKING TO YOU.  I’m not shocked when the women I develop feelings for turn out to be shallow…BOOM.  Couldn’t resist it.  I am totally shocked when a woman is upfront and honest with me about what they want out of me…rather than just playing super boring flirting games…I’m 30, I’m dead soon…I don’t have time to play games, not even tennis.  Oops…this is not about me.  The only expectation you should have of a man is that he be honest to you, so encourage that horny ape to be honest by being honest with him.  You’d be amazed at how us men learn by example.  (sidenote: friends are not forever…your friends are eventually going to get lives and move on…so enjoy them while they’re around, but live your own life as well)

Stop pretending like anything you do involving your clothing, hair, or makeup has anything to do with what guys want.  You’re doing that for other girls, guys could really care less as long as you tacitly agree to get it on with them.  As long as you don’t look like total garbage and have whatever shape they are sociologically inclined to be attracted to…you’re in.  There has never been a guy in the history of the world who has said the following sentence.  ”She’s pretty and I’d like to talk to her….but did you see her shoes?”  Women dress up for other women.  There is some kind of silent arms war (but with shoes and purses instead of guns and bombs) amongst you to decorate yourselves the best to snag the alpha males…and also just because all women hate each other.  Seriously, what is up with that?  I know girls who have never met in real life, but HATE each other just because they’ve dated or liked the same guys.  What kind of weird competitive agenda is that?  I’ll tell you what it is, because I’m smart.  (not saying that you are smart, you’re just busy putting glitter on your clothes or turning a t-shirt into a dress)  I watch Top Model…I know what’s going on.  The fashion industry is an industry that panders to mean women and gay men.  Men do not notice your clothes…they notice the lack of clothing.  This goes from the creepy guy staring at you at Starbuck’s to the indie rocker who pretends he’s better than that.  I’ve said this before, and I’ll stick by it….all women are the mean girls from Mean Girls.  Here’s something most people don’t notice, but I do (because I’m hyper vigilant and have faux social skills)…introduce two women to each other who have never met.  The first thing they do 85% of the time is compliment each other on something.  ”I love your shoes”  ”I love your dress”.  That’s the Treaty of Versailles happening right in front of you…a temporary armistice in women’s war on each other.  Don’t change it, but don’t blame dudes for it.  Men are morons.

If you’re tired of attracting the wrong types of guys, don’t post about it on the internet…you’re just going to get 20 replies from shitty guys claiming that they aren’t shitty (if you believe that, I can’t really help you).  You want to know the secret to finding the guy that is perfect for you? (step one, never treat a guy like he’s your ex…that goes against my idea that humans are all the same, but give the new guy a few chances to fuck up)  Stop settling, and make yourself into the person that you want to be first.  Focus on yourself, rather than focusing on finding some kind of societal norm while compromising your dreams and identity (and someone else’s too) just to fit into how everyone else tells you how things should be.  In my older age I’ve come to a realization…talents and goals are far more sexy than any low cut halter top, jeans that make make your butt look nice, or how pretty your hair is after hours of work.  You have dreams, all humans do.  You don’t have to move to LA because you wanted to be an actress once…but find something you’re good at, and just TRY to pursue it.  If you don’t know what you’re especially good at, ask people (don’t ask creepy dudes though, they’ll just lie to you)  Here’s something I do…every month I try and do something that I’m scared of or say I’d never do…that’s how I started doing stand-up.  I’m still scared of it, but I forced myself to do it, and now I’m happy with myself and feel like I have a reason to feel alive.  Stop talking about travel and just do it.  Stop talking about the things you wish you had done, and make sure you never regret not living your life ever again. This lack of trying and taking risks is killing our society.  Spend less time at bars pretending that inebriated socialization is enriching your life…and read a book about something you enjoy.  Bar life is an extension of high school life…and its going to always be just as dramatic.  There’s a reason why people who find love stop going out every night…its called growin up!  I know you’re scared of getting old, everyone is…but make the decision to upgrade yourself gracefully…pretending to be how you were when you were young and edgy just gets more and more sad as the years go by.  Life is a video game, level up or be miserable.

In summation:

I don’t want to live in a world where I’m shocked to meet a witty, driven, self-reliant woman any more.   

(sorry this is long, I cut out two thirds of it…but seriously, if this is long to you feminism is going to be pissed.)

Love,

  Ian Douglas Terry 

An open letter to the Hipsters…

Hey you hip d-bags,

  Its been a while since I’ve explained just why I have a deep seeded resentment towards hipsters…but now I also have a new issue….people who don’t understand what a hipster is and apply the label to anything with glasses and/or a beard.  I’ve been called a hipster solely on wearing a plaid shirt and having glasses…these things do not a hipster make.  I understand most people live their lives in their ordinary homes, in front of their ordinary televisions, full of ordinary programs about ordinary rich housewives…but I’m out here on the streets.  I’m amongst the packs of drunken fashionable young people.  I’m at the rock shows with bands that sound like that band that you’ve never hear of.  I’m spending time with girls who tell me about their photography and that shitty dress they made.  So take my word for it if you still use the word “concert” and think Lady Gaga is edgy.  Let’s get it on.

As defined by urbandictionary.com:

“One who possesses tastes, social attitudes, and opinions deemed cool by the cool.”

That’s pretty broad.  My definition of a hipster is thus:

Hipsters are the personification of what is considered “hip” within a sub-culture of modern culture.  It can be the Salvation Army Indie Rockers, the Drugged Up Electronic Music Weirdos, the Fashion Forward Slutty Chicks (sup girls?), or the God Awful Faux-Folk Faux-Hippy Dorks.  Yes, hipsters wear clothing that is “hip” and “in”…but so do a lot of normal humans.  Its all in the intent.  Hipsters wear clothing to convey an aura of “being different” and “not caring” while on the inside they are “uniform to their sub-culture” and are “insecure”.  What exactly does a hipster do?  Nothing.  They go to shows, do lots of drugs, drink whiskey and PBR, go to house parties, hang out at hip places, and do a whole lot of talking.  Talking about shitty bands that only they’re into until more people get into them (then they’re sell outs), shitty festivals that are now thrown just so people can Tweet about how cool they are for buying a ticket and going to a  festival (really hard to do), whatever hobby they pretend to be pursuing as a career while not contributing to society (photography, art, DJ’s, alcoholic, etc…) and mostly just the stuff that insecure and boring middle schoolers talk and argue about.  Its an endless state of arrested development that ends when one finally has to stop living off of others and buy a t-shirt that fits. That sounds like a lot of stuff to be doing, right?  Its not…its all the things consumers do.  Its the exact same paths that the bro dudes who hang out at fake night clubs and wear Affliction/Tap Out/Ed Hardy follow…create nothing, follow the leader (people who live on the coasts), and pretend like what you’re doing isn’t a waste of time.  Hipsters create NOTHING.  They live off of either combining trends/music that happened before and pretending like they invented something new.  There are people in this world who create…and people who consume.  Hipsters are the latter.  That’s where it gets confusing to people in the normal world.  

Now you might be thinking, “but Ian, denying you’re a hipster means that you are a hipster”…  I also deny that I’m racist and gay…wait, bad examples.  I deny it because I am not part of that sub-culture at all.  I’m not saying I’m better than it…if anything I’m a fat boring nerd who played the new Lego Star Wars game all weekend and got super pumped about buying potato salad…I’m saying that this sub-culture bothers me and makes me never want to leave my apartment.  You might say “but Ian, the things that you attempt to do are totally lame!”… I’m not saying that what I do is cool, but at least my lazy low-aiming ass is doing something with my free time rather than wanting people to notice me for just showing up dressed like a puss.  I don’t care about how cool your clothes are…I don’t care that I haven’t heard the shitty band you were the “first” to hear…I don’t care that I wasn’t at that crazy DJ set/Folk show/fund raiser for Haiti.  You have created a sub-culture of status quo.  Everyone has Iphones…not just you and your cool friends….normal humans are allowed to own them, and do…its the most popular phone out right now (Apple sucks).   Everyone wears plaid shirts….lumberjacks and cowboys, ever heard of them?  And don’t get me started on beards, that one is all women’s faults…one girl somewhere told a guy his beard was sexy and then BOOM!  Norelco goes out of business.  If I had a dumb face I’d have to cover it up to.  There’s a reason that every indie rock show is packed…its because being a hipster is the “in” thing.  There are Urban Outfitters and American Apparel stores EVERYWHERE.  Its no longer hip and individualistic, it was never meant to be.  It has become a twisted version of NORMAL.

In closing…here’s my tips for the people who are hipsters (who of course deny it because they’re a total renegade individual because their parents and teachers told them they were a snowflake once):

- Move out of your parent’s house…its called adulthood.  You can’t claim to be cool if you’re still a 15 year old at heart.  Experience the real world, there’s disappointment but you at least get to learn life lessons and experience being your own person.

- Stop talking about how you’re going to move to NYC (or another cool city) … do it already you coward.  (Fact: my friends who grew up in NYC all say that the biggest dickhead hipsters in Brooklyn are all from the Midwest.  We export assholes who move somewhere and act like assholes because they think they’ve leveled up.  Awesome.  I also have a side story about a hipster dude trying to start a fight with me at a bar in Brooklyn because I was from Nebraska…turned out he was from MONTANA.  Super cool bro.  He also had white pants and a train conductor hat on.)

- Stop telling people they “missed” a show like Jesus showed up and dunked on Dennis Rodman.  A band played, you liked it a lot, get over it.  Paying money and watching something happen doesn’t mean your ass was up there doing it.  Being a proxy to greatness doesn’t make you any better…you just watched something cool happen.  Watching porn doesn’t mean you had amazing sex you jabronis.

- Create something new and different.  Or at least create something with passion and creative intent behind it…stop trying to impress girls…girls are WEIRD (all girls are the girls in Mean Girls in my mind), that goes for dudes and girls both.  Take risks and chances, that’s what is actually cool.

- If you live in the Midwest, realize that the shit you’re doing that you think is crazy and cutting edge was already done a few years ago by other weirdos on the coasts.

- Cocaine isn’t cool…it was in the 80’s…now its just a thing people do when they can’t get excited and happy any more by normal means (alcohol and a false belief in ones’ self)….or just to feel cool.  Me, I don’t like spending that much money to get pumped up.  I drink coffee (cheap coffee, fuck Starbucks)…it AMPS YOU UP BRO.  At the same time, if I’m drunk enough and a girl has made me feel bad about myself I’ll smoke crystal meth.  I’m not a role model.

- You went over seas once a few years ago…and you’re still talking about it?  That experience definitely made you better than everyone else.  Get your parents to pay for another vacation you goof balls so you can at least seem like you’re still trying.  I’ll be fat on a beach again soon, but I won’t come back with a fake accent or any kind of fake respect for humanity.

- Bikes are to get you from point A to point B…romanticizing them beyond that is as bad as the Fast and Furious car nerds.  Homeless people and little kids ride bikes…you’re not a maverick, you’re just getting exercise.  At the same time, girls who ride bikes are generally nerds, babes, or nerd-babes…so its good, but don’t sanctify yourself about it.

- If what you eat/don’t eat, drink/don’t drink, wear/don’t wear, or do/don’t do defines you as a person…get a personality already.  No hate towards anyone’s life choices…just quit acting like you died for anyone’s sins and stop telling me that what I do is going to make me fat or die.  I’ve accepted this outcome.

- Seeing or hearing something first doesn’t make you cool.  It means you have a lot of time on your hands to quest around the internet.  Get real.

If you’re angry because of any of this….you might be a redneck….I mean, hipster.

Love,

  Ian Douglas Terry

An open letter to the fifteen year old cashier at the grocery store…

Hey girl,

I’ll preface this by saying I’m not 100% sure that you’re fifteen…its a guesstimate.  You had too much life and hope in your eyes to be over eighteen.  Plus you’re a cashier at a grocery store, the ultimate “I can’t drive yet” job.  …and before anyone jumps the gun thinking this is going to be sexual….I’m not in a pop-punk band and just because I’m open and honest about my sexuality and history doesn’t mean I’m one of the creepy/sketchy dudes you’ve dated or are friends with.  Anyways, hey girl….

I was at the grocery store on a lovely Spring Saturday buying food…observing humanity.  I think everyone who ever steps foot in a grocery store at some point decides that they never want children…even if they already have children.  It was also a warm day so there were lots of people wearing ill-fitting ill-revealing clothing…I’m aware of my shape and dress accordingly, try it out world.  I saw an African American woman who had on jeans…but her jeans were shredded and cut into some kind of skirt….like a long gladiator style skirt.  What a world!  I also enjoy the couples who grocery shop together and are in love, and are very unaware of how spiteful this makes me.  Bitter Ian is back!  I was craving hot dogs and burgers so I bought an inordinate amount of both because I stress eat and because they’re awesome, so the majority of my purchases were those and a giant tub of deviled egg potato salad.  I made my way to the check out and you were there.  So pleasant and full of life.  You engaged every customer and asked them how their days were.  You held conversations with people who were dead and numb due to consumerism and apathy.  To be fair, you were a total nerd…not the fake nerd bullshit that hot girls who played a video game once try and fake…you were a straight up glasses wearing, weird laughing, pale, geeky nerd.  The girls that go on Facebook and claim to have no social life because they couldn’t go stand around a bar for three hours on one night in a sparkly shirt have nothing on you.  But then…you really brought it on.   You physically smiled!  Not the kind of smile that I’m used to getting that looks like someone smelling something awful and trying to figure out the easiest way to destroy it…but an actual human smile full of warmth and kindness!  What the fuck is wrong with you?

Don’t you know that the world is an awful place?  Do you not have the internet?  Are your Twitter friends all non-complaining non-condescending robots?  I feel like its my job to bring you down a few pegs.  When it was my turn you asked me if I was having a barbecue (due to the massive amount of barbecue items I was buying, it makes sense).  I panicked and said that I was indeed having a barbecue (I lied to a girl, surprisingly and going against the lazy labeling that “haters” (is that a word still?) apply to me because I don’t spend most of my time and energy pretending to be the one white knight in a sea of charlatans…which surprises me that women still fall for that trick, anyways) and that I was “very excited about it”.  I don’t get excited about anything any more, so this makes lie number two.  I’ve accepted the fact that life is an endless circle of disappointment and bummers and that everything and everyone I care about will die…so at this point its just me and Netflix vs. the world.  All I can really do any more is pursue my silly dreams and the iota of talent I have and try to create things that might make someone enjoy something…like an un-cool idiot.  I was pretty excited about those burgers though…   You then told me that the kind of potato salad that I was purchasing was your favorite, and that its the only kind of potato salad you would eat…and to ask your family.  Pump the brakes nerd…that’s a lot to lay on a dude.  I already know that this potato salad rules, I’m planning on eating a family sized portion in the bath tub, I wish to your apparent Christian God I was making that up….but screw it.  Who do I have to impress?  People are going to think I’m a dickhead regardless of how much genuine emotion or honesty I present them.  I’m 30 and never going to be in love, I might as well become a serial killer (or a shitty DJ)…at least then people will show me some modicum of respect.  (kidding?)  Also, I do not want to ask your family that kind of question…I don’t even interact with the families’ of women who I date or have dated (which probably means something about them being ashamed, but I prefer to think that they just realized that I don’t care and understand the shelf-life process and want to avoid bothering too many other people with learning some new person’s name that they’ll soon forget)  Is your family bagging my hot dogs right now?  That would be super weird….and I think that only happens in Latino grocery stores.  You finished the transaction by saying my total like the Target Lady character from SNL, and then told me you hoped I had an awesome barbecue.  I thanked you, gathered my bags and drove home to retire into my apartment and spent another evening torturing myself by going through everyone I’ve ever dated FB pages to remind myself how happy human beings become without me and how I will be forever letting myself down by believing I am worth true human companionship….that or I just watched Quantum Leap and passed out covered in potato salad.

The reality is, I will never have a barbecue….because I don’t have a yard.  I live in an apartment.  There is no reason for me to buy a home, I’m not married or dating someone who I’m trying to impress because our relationship is empty and boring.  I don’t even get invited to barbecues.  Is that what you wanted to know young cashier?  Was your kindness and concern about my day actually a cleverly disguised attempt to pull back the mask covering my shriveled self-esteem and poorly constructed ruse of a social life?  If it was, touche.  I’m used to this kind of resentment and wanton destruction of feelings from the women I date…but not from a friendly neighborhood cashier.  Maybe I wish more people in the world were like you….happy, caring, and sincere….or maybe you were just a total nerd.

Love,

Ian Douglas Terry